Becoming a parent means entering a whole new realm of caring and responsibility. Earlier phases of life, having taught their lessons of love, are foundational for success in this important endeavor. Yet parenting presents its unique challenges, and parenting in modern times is especially daunting. Children have access to media information--both good and bad--in ways their parents couldn't even dream of. Both parents often work, leaving them little time to devote to their children. What is more, society is just beginning to recover from more than thirty years of questioning its most basic values, leaving parents to wonder which direction is best for their children.

Clearly, parents stand in the position of the primary moral educators, yet schools and the community can support parents in giving proper guidance to their children. The most effective parents, teachers and community leaders recognize this and do their best to support and supplement one another. Parents are helped by the efforts of good teachers and community mentors, and in turn the school and community gain from well-reared children.

Teachers and parents benefit from a strong mutual support system. In the past, parental support for teacher authority was so solid that it was common for a child who had been disciplined at school to be disciplined again at home. The parents did not even need to know what the child had done. "If the teacher says you did something wrong, you must have done something wrong," was the parents' philosophy. Nowadays, the parent is more likely to call the school and demand an explanation, sometimes putting teachers and administrators on the defensive and fearful of possible litigation. This lack of support takes its toll. Older teachers comment on the marked difficulties in discipline they face due to students' changed attitudes toward authority, most of which derive from the home.

Parental Authority
Society has swung like a pendulum on issues of authority. People rightly reacted to the authoritarianism that produced well-behaved yet insecure youngsters whose preoccupation with protecting themselves from punishment stymied their growth in love for others. Yet permissive, child-centered parents who rejected authoritarianism contributed unwittingly to wanton behavior in their offspring.

A balanced approach to authority pairs high levels of compassion and care with an equally high degree of firmness. Psychologist Diane Baumrind calls this "authoritative parenting." She found that children of authoritative parents are the most well-adjusted and well-behaved. Children raised in an authoritarian manner-which is characterized by high levels of strictness and low levels of warmth and supportiveness-are also well-behaved, but they tend to be so out of self-protectiveness rather than moral conviction. Children of permissive parents-high in warmth and supportiveness but low in control--fare the worst of all, engaging in the most negative behaviors and showing the least social adjustment.
When children catch the message, "Because we love you, you must do as we say," they are already deeply assured of the parent's love and regard for their ultimate well-being. Out of this understanding, there is a greater sense of willingness to respect and comply with their parents' directives.

Parenting as Partnership
The two sides of authoritative parenting-high levels of both warm supportiveness and fairly strict control-are seemingly embodied in the parenting partnership of a mother and father. The often-heroic efforts of single parents notwithstanding, the father and mother team is best suited to provide this balance of warmth and strictness. A partnership allows the parents to integrate the complementary dimensions of parental love-the "soft" maternal side and the "hard" paternal side.
Mothers tend to provide comforting, nurturing love. Maternal affection seems to be given without condition, for who the children are rather than for what they do. "He'll always be my baby," a mother may say, even on her son's wedding day, and that's more than enough reason for her to adore him. A mother's arms are comforting and healing; she will tend to be less strict and more forgiving. A mother's instincts are to protect her child, urging the child to be careful rather than to explore too much and experiment with independence.

A father's love, on the other hand, tends to be more challenging. Paternal affection looks more conditional, since it may be withheld until the son or daughter meets certain expectations. Fathers are inclined to be stricter, but they also encourage a child to take more risks and to try more things. A child about to climb a tall tree may hear his or her mother's caution, "Oh, don't! Be careful!" while the father says, "Go ahead and see if you can do it. Just stay on the thicker branches."
Of course, mothers and fathers slip in and out of these two kinds of love, and circumstances sometimes force one parent to try to give both kinds. Generally, however, paternal and maternal love balance each other well and provide enriching contrast. The cooperative and loving interplay between a mother and a father enhances their parenting. With both kinds of love, a child has a safe haven from which to venture out and achieve. This is why fostering and sustaining a good marriage-strengthening the parenting partnership--is part and parcel of the parenting task.

Love-The Basis of Legitimate Authority
As leaders of their family, parents necessarily have to have a healthy sense of their own authority. On the one hand, power and authority over anything is usually granted to its originator. The author of a book, for instance, is the one who knows best what the book's purpose is, how it can be utilized, interpreted, etc. As the "authors" of a child, parents have a natural authority.

On the other hand, as the anti-authoritarian voices of the 1960s and 1970s pointed out, authority is sometimes abused. They served as a reminder that genuine and trustworthy authority belongs to those who care about their charges and willingly sacrifice for their sake. In any project, business or school, authentic leaders earn their authority through care, investment and sacrifice. The same is true of the child-rearing enterprise. Parents best wield authority on a foundation of deep, demonstrated love for the child. Otherwise, the child will have trouble receiving the parents' directives.

"Without a strong, healthy love-bond with his parents," observes psychologist Ross Campbell, "a child reacts to parental guidance with anger, resentment, and hostility." Power used without an appropriate amount of love can produce a person who eventually resents all authority. To such a child, authority is linked with exploitation. A child who knows she is deeply loved, on the other hand, will readily accept her parents' directions, identify with them and make their values her own. Furthermore, a positive relationship with parents predisposes a child to respect legitimate social institutions and civil laws and the just authority they represent. Thus good parenting extrapolates into society.

Building Up a Child's Foundations
Caring deeply about their children is not a problem for most parents. As Theodore Reik expressed poetically, "Romance fails us-and so do friendships-but the relationship of mother and child remains indelible and indestructible-the strongest bond upon this earth." Even so, this profound connection requires continual investment to keep it strong. As new parents can testify, parental love deepens as they care for the child. The first feedings, first bath, the first time the crying child is successfully comforted all augment a bond that is fast on its way to becoming unbreakable. As the son or daughter grows in independence and will, the parents' investment and commitment must grow likewise.

Psychologist Steven Stosny asserts that the fact that children emerge from the womb expecting to be well taken care of shows empirical evidence for the existence of the heart--the part of each person that is inherently good, true, just and worthy. However, unless this sense of worth is nurtured by the love of parents, it may remain dormant. "We learn how valuable and worthy of love we are almost exclusively through interactions with attachment figures, especially parents and children," he observes. M. Scott Peck agrees, "When children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, then it is almost impossible to destroy their spirit."

Awakened by the selfless devotion of the parents, the son or daughter's heart learns its worth and naturally sees others as being similarly worthy. He or she will then behave in a manner that is just and kind toward others when out in society.
Parental investment thus builds up a child's foundations in two ways: first, it cultivates the parent-child bond, which opens up the child's sphere of love. (See Chapter 15) This bond serves to enhance moral and cognitive development. Second, it fosters a sense of inherent value and worthiness-and, by extension-the value and worthiness of others. Attachment to parents and sense of self-worth are both healthy expressions of the child's budding heart and essential foundations for moral growth.

Consistent and Continuous Giving
Although parents invest in their children to build up these foundations of a moral self, they may not necessarily see immediate results from their efforts. They give and give, and then forget what they have given and give still more. This is why parental love is the very definition of the unconditional. Yet even though fathers and mothers cannot anticipate how their children will turn out, their continual caring is the surest lifeline for even the most incorrigible child.

Jan Smith of Stamford, Connecticut, learned to deal with the emotional turbulence of her rebellious teenage daughter by applying unswerving love. Her daughter's rebelliousness culminated late one night when the police called Jan to tell her that she had to come to the police station to pick up her daughter, who was arrested for drunk driving. Mother and daughter did not speak until the next afternoon. Jan broke the tension by giving the girl a small gift-wrapped box. The teenager nonchalantly opened it and found a small piece of a rock. "Cute, Mom. What's this for?" she said, and then she noticed a card inside. It read, "This rock is more than 200 million years old. That's how long it will take before I give up on you." She responded by giving her mother a big hug.

Parental Modeling
The most powerful teaching is by example. Children are more likely to do as a parent does than what a parent says. According to psychologist Joseph Pearce, the greater part of the child's mind-brain structure is imprinted with the character and example of significant people in their lives. Only about 5 percent is available to respond to words and instruction. Thus the expression, "Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you are saying."

Of course, parents are children's first and most significant role models. Children closely observe their parents' interactions with each other, other family members, friends and neighbors. From this they learn how to treat other people. Likewise, families with parental conflict and unresolved anger tend to have children who are more aggressive. Parents teach respect through modeling respect, caring through modeling caring, responsibility through modeling responsibility.

Consider the moral lessons modeled by Claire and Warren as they help their daughter Jenna grasp the intricacies of a weaving kit project. Warren is calm and a natural teacher but knows nothing of weaving; Claire knows the craft but her character tends to be high-strung and impatient. When the mother's tension begins to mount, the father distracts them both with humor and asks Jenna to show what she has learned. After the short break, Claire resumes the lesson. In this way they model to the daughter how a husband and wife cooperate to build on their strengths and compensate for each other's weaknesses. In addition, she has experienced her parents' loving devotion to her. The next day in school, Jenna spontaneously volunteers to help a boy in a lower grade with his reading, using many of the same patterns of speech and behavior that her parents used with her.

Imitation can be the sincerest form of flattery when parents hear children dealing with people politely and well in imitation of their own good manners. They are considerably less flattered when they hear their child use a harsh tone of voice on a pet or younger sibling in imitation of the parents' own impatient utterings. Parents are "on display"-including all the contradictions in their own attitudes and behavior. For example, when the phone rings, instructing the child to tell whoever is calling that the parent is not home sets an example of untruthfulness. Going through the express check-out line posted "10 Items or Less" with fifteen items in the grocery cart sends a powerful unspoken message about cheating. In the end, a virtuous example is the most effective character education.

Rules and Expectations
The power of example, of course, does not mean parents have no need to impart firm ideas of right and wrong as well as appropriate limits. Moral instruction is one of the greatest investments a parent makes in a child. It is like planting a seed that bears fruit later in life. While a young person may not seem to appreciate or absorb moral instruction, in fact, parents may be assured that a significant amount is sinking in, even if the child does not let on. By explicitly passing on rules and morality, the parent informs the child's conscience-the cognitive aspect of morality-which will eventually serve as a portable parent. The conscience will set off some alarm bells when basic values are being transgressed.

"It was funny," admits Xavier, a 19-year-old student at a midwestern college. "I'd roll my eyes when my Dad talked about drinking when I was younger. I didn't mess around with it much anyway when I was in high school. But in my first year at college, alcohol was like everywhere. Suddenly I had to take a look at what I was going to do and not do and what I would say to my Dad. I ended up deciding to pretty much draw the line he used to say I should." Strict limits provide parameters in youth's moral universe.

Some limits take the form of rules. Once a rule is made, it has an authority of its own. "The rule in this house is…" carries a great deal of weight. Children and teenagers actually appreciate rules. Rules help them know what is expected and keep them from spinning off into chaos. If children are accustomed to obeying rules when young, they are more apt to observe guidelines as teenagers in more sensitive areas like drug use and sexual experience.

Children want and need moral guidance from their parents; adolescents are often crying out for it. If rules and expectations are laid down in the home, children feel more protected. They also have a good excuse when facing down peer pressure: "My Mom and Dad freak if I'm out after nine o'clock. That's their rule. I know it's a drag, but that's the way they are. They'll kill me if I don't come home." The parents can be the "bad guys" and let the child keep his or her cool image.
When setting up rules and expectations, it is necessary for parents to agree on both standards and enforcement. This may require extensive private discussion. It also may mean that one parent may support the other in front of the children even if he or she disagrees with how the other parent is handling a situation. Children, even the nicest ones, can be manipulative, and even very young children learn that if they can divide their parents, they can conquer them.

Taking Time to Parent
Caring for children takes large amounts of time and energy-precious commodities for modern working parents. This led to the notion of "quality time," which was widely embraced by family theorists and parents alike. Only a small amount of parental investment is necessary per day, they thought, as long as it is high quality. Yet others believe that "quality time" is a myth. One mother, a successful lawyer, had a rude awakening one day when doing the family grocery shopping with her child, a task the babysitter usually did. Her son was sliding on his knees down aisles, screaming, asking for everything and creating an embarrassing disturbance. The cashier said, "Oh, so you're the mother," as if the children's terrible behavior were well known at the store. She realized, "Babysitters don't raise children; parents do," and she immediately decided to cut back on her career to have more time at home with her son.

Parents serve their children best by being with them in a relaxed state and giving them the gift of their full presence and attention. Doris, a mother in Pittsburgh, raised three children in the public school system, and they were all drug and alcohol-free by the time they graduated. A younger friend asked her for advice about whether or not she should home-school. She wanted to protect her children from negative peer influences, but bewailed the amount of time it would take. Doris replied, "You have to take a lot of time with them anyway. I had to detox my kids every day from all the negative peer influences, explaining over and over again why they can't do what their friends are doing and to give them the strength to keep resisting." The older mother had worked for years at a low-paying, part-time job just so that she could be home when her children returned from school.

Most youth problems in the United States occur between the hours of three in the afternoon and six o'clock at night-unsupervised hours when the children are out of school but the parents are not yet home from work. These are the times when children tend to experiment with undesirable behaviors. Parents must sometimes make hard choices, like Doris did, in order to devote time and effort into their children's well-being. Schools and communities can help matters by offering quality after-school programs that both attract and protect youth. Yet even organized after school activities sometimes cut unduly into the family's time together. William Doherty, director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota, works to organize parents to "take back family life from overscheduled family hyperactivity and the consumer culture." Even though enrolling the child in several different sports, lessons and extracurricular activities seems to enrich the child's life experience, some families find themselves on the run constantly to keep up with their schedules, with no time for relaxed or thoughtful interaction-something which is ultimately more valuable for the child.

Talking to Children about Sensitive Matters
Talking to young people about drugs, sex and violence is never easy. But physician Victor Strasburger reassures parents, "What you say isn't nearly as important as the fact that you are willing to discuss the subject in the first place. That… makes it far more likely that your child will come to you with questions in the future." The following are guidelines about discussing sensitive matters:

Initiate discussion early
Early discussions have the effect of immunizing youth against hazards. Even kindergarteners see their parents take pills and this can begin an education about use and abuse of drugs. When parents initiate the discussion, as they might about brushing teeth or bicycle safety, they establish their position as the primary source of guidance and understanding about these matters. They also indicate their approachability, so that children come to them in the future with their concerns.
Topics should be discussed in an age-appropriate manner. When Nick's 4-year-old son asked him, "Where did I come from?" Nick explained that he came from his mother's belly. When his 8-year-old daughter asked the same question, Nick wanted to be truthful yet protect his daughter's natural modesty. He said, "Your mother and I truly wanted a child. Our desire and love grew so strong that eventually a tiny seed was planted in Mommy's belly. It grew, and after nine months a beautiful little girl was born." She was very satisfied with this answer, which fit with her stage of cognitive and emotional development.

Give honest answers
Parents need to answer all inquiries to the best of their knowledge, and when stumped, offer to find out the answer. "My Dad used his connections with the police department to get me in to see the jail," recalls Kyle, now in college. "It definitely left me thinking long and hard about the pressures to join a gang." When speaking to adolescents about sexual matters, using correct terms helps to remove the unhealthy mystique from the topic.
Part of honesty is dealing with questions of the parents' own experiences with the forbidden behavior. Personal confessions are unwarranted and only burden and distract children, but parental sharing about how they thought and felt in their youth can comfort a child and enhance parents' credibility.

Help children think
To help the young resist unhealthy influences, it is helpful to invite them to practice explaining their views and reasoning out a responsible response. Saying, "I'd like to know what you think about that situation," and "What do you think should happen now?" -and respectfully listening to their replies-not only helps parents know how to guide their children; it also encourages the child to craft his or her moral code and articulate it to others.

Show unconditional support
Educator Patty Stark recommends giving the message, "Let's put together a game plan to help you manage the pressure and come through this a winner. We believe in you, and we will be with you every step of the way." At the same time, they need to know that whenever they feel uncomfortable or scared-regardless of where the are, who they're with or what time it is-they can call their parents to get them, without facing an interrogation.

Turning Off the TV
One way to allow for more healthy family interaction is to turn off that thief of family time, the television. A Nielsen study in 1996 indicated that the average child in the United States spent thirty-five hours per week viewing television as opposed to thirty-five minutes of meaningful conversation with his or her parents. Turning off the TV frees up hours to read to or with children, converse with them, play games, put on plays, bake with them-a whole host of things that build relationship, teach skills and at the same time encourage more brain activity and creative thinking. This will also shield them from being overly influenced by programs and commercials that rarely reflect parental values, glorify consumerism and materialism, and desensitize children to violence.

While families may want to watch some TV, it is appropriate to carefully regulate viewing. Program viewing is best scheduled ahead of time, with family members agreeing not to turn the TV on at random throughout the day. Watching the television is regarded as a privilege, not a right, and permission is required. Like other appliances in the household, it is natural for the television to be left off most of the time.

Parents and children benefit when they watch worthwhile programs together. If objectionable content comes on, it is a chance to explain why it is unacceptable and even discuss the commercial reasons why TV producers show such content. This is imparting "media literacy."

Regulating the television is an area where schools can specifically support parents. Not only can they sponsor times for families to do without TV and award students who do, schools also help indirectly by promoting reading programs like "Book It!" where the local Pizza Hut offers free pizzas to children who read a certain amount within a month.
Family Meals and Rituals

Family meals are a valuable opportunity for parents to share with their children. A study by the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center showed that teenagers who ate at least five meals a week with their families were at lower risk for bad behavior, did better in school, were better socialized and enjoyed better relationships with peers than teenagers who did not eat together with their families on a regular basis.

Alysson, a medical transcriptionist in the Northwest, takes a few moments to light candles at dinner and plan conversation. She thinks beforehand of positive topics to introduce, stories she wants to tell, and questions she wants to ask. She asks her two children, 10 and 13, and her husband, "What was the best thing that happened today?" and "What was the worst thing?" to draw out deeper responses than "It was okay," when she asks them how their day went.
Bedtime, suppertime, movie nights, religious observances, and holidays are some of the occasions for family rituals that provide stability amid the hectic pace of modern life. Small children especially will get upset if rituals are interrupted. A bedtime ritual of bath, story, lullaby and kiss will comfort a child immeasurably, and is well worth the time. Studies confirm that bedtime is a chance for strong parent-child bonding, even for teenagers. Many remember their parents' nightly routine for the rest of their lives. Annabelle, a middle-aged woman from West Virginia, says, "My mother would always pull the blanket up under my chin, smooth it down, and kiss me on the lips. She'd say, "Goodnight, angel!" and then kiss me again on the forehead. I would not let her vary or abandon this routine until I was 18 and off to college."

The soothing power of routine and ritual tends to have a cumulative effect, taking on more power and significance as time goes by. When a ritual is missed, all the family members feel a loss. Family rituals around holidays create and sustain family bonds and a sense of belonging and continuity in a changeable world. "That first Hanukkah after Mama died was awful," recalls Rachel, an accountant on the West coast. "But my brothers and sister and I gathered anyway at my house and we tried to do everything the same way as if Mama and Papa were there. We did it mainly for the kids. In the end, though, it was the only way we adults were able to get through the holiday."

Family Meetings
Family meetings are also a good way to build family togetherness through focusing family members' attention on planning trips, chores, service projects or addressing issues that have come up. With a snack or treat added, some stimulating questions and some laughs, family meetings can be wonderful and memorable times of sharing as well as learning how to treat each other fairly and respectfully.

Family meetings are most successful when they occur at regular times, are only about an hour long, and acknowledge the rights of everyone to contribute, even the youngest member of the family. The rule can be established that each person is allowed to have his or her say with the respectful attention of the others and without criticism or teasing. While the parents' decisions on important issues are final, recognition of the children's contributions and suggestions affirm that they are a valued and vital part of the family team.

The Family with a Purpose
Stephen Covey suggests that creating a statement of the family ideal or mission together is a valuable family-building activity. A mission statement is a declaration of the family's vision and its values. It can be elaborate as a page-long essay or as simple as "The Jacksons keep their word, care about people and get the job done." Since it is arrived at by consensus, creating such a statement of the family ideal may require a lot of time and reflection by all members of the family. Once written, the statement of the family ideal can be prominently displayed-on the wall, on the refrigerator, or even on tee shirts--as a reference to keep the family on course. Some families make a weekly ritual of reading their family ideal and renewing their pledge to fulfill it.

Many family mission statements include a clause about how the family will serve neighbors or contribute to their community or the nation. The Singh family of Reno, Nevada mentions their "Pennies with a Purpose" collection, which is earmarked for a needy Indian child they sponsor. Such altruism boosts family pride. Although it seems paradoxical, the family that belongs to benevolent organizations, hosts guests, helps out neighbors and volunteers for community causes finds that the bonds with one another are strengthened by the time and energy they give to others outside of the home.

Parenting with Compassion
Regardless of what they do and the time they take to do it, if parents demonstrate care and compassion for their children, almost anything they do will turn out all right, according to Stosny. Compassion is an expression of love that means literally to feel strongly with someone, and includes a willingness to share his or her difficulties. A father or mother's compassion for his or her children means patience and understanding of their developmental limitations, a benevolent outlook on the child, and relying on support and encouragement rather than shame or harsh punishment to awaken the heart and conscience and reestablish good behavior.

A compassionate parent looks beneath the bad behavior of a child to the motivating factors. An otherwise angelic child can become a veritable monster when deprived of a nap. A hungry child can be cranky and rude. Going deeper, a child who has just lost a ball game or been ridiculed by peers may be too ashamed to tell his or her parents, but his or her behavior that evening may be hard to put up with. Harsh punishment and unrealistic demands only layer hurt on top of hurt without addressing the underlying emotional need.

Educator and author Jane Nelsen was out hiking with her family and some friends. Their 10-year-old son became tired and started complaining that his backpack was rubbing his back raw. His father, a former Marine, urged his son to "Be a man" and stand up to the pain. The boy tried to obey his father, but after a while he couldn't to go on. Jane knew it had probably hurt and angered her son that his father had not taken his situation seriously. She asked his father to stop, and together the parents jerry-rigged some padding for the boy's back that protected the sore spot. He made the rest of the journey without incident or complaint, supported by the empathy of his parents. Through compassion and understanding, they had reached into their son's world, helped him through the difficult feelings, and administered the care and support he needed to accomplish the climb.

Parental Sacrifice
As any father or mother well knows, attending to children's needs often comes at a personal cost-the sacrifice of the parent's interests, plans and desires. Most parents recognize that on the deepest level it is a joy to make sacrifices on behalf of their children. Nevertheless, being a good parent means putting up with the mess of an art project on the kitchen table. It means answering the fiftieth question in a row while trying to prepare dinner. It means resisting the impulse to resort to "Because I said so, that's why!" when confronted with a defiant 15-year-old demanding to know why she is not allowed to stay out late when everyone else in school does it. It means forgoing that new car to pay for a son or daughter's college expenses. More than any other activity in life, parenting means self-sacrifice. David Elkind, a child psychologist at Tufts University, said, "If it is to be done well, child-rearing requires, more than most activities of life, a good deal of de-centering from one's own needs and perspectives."

It's the Heart that Counts
There are times and circumstances when fathers and mothers are simply too busy to give much time to family activities or companionship with their children. Struggling to make ends meet, coping with a chronic illness, being called out of town for long periods in the military service or on business-these may keep a family apart. Once again, the important thing is that the sons and daughters know that their parents' hearts are with them even when their physical presence is not. Then the children will be better able to honor and appreciate the sacrifices their parents are making.

Kwi Soh Young, a teenager from Seattle, affirmed that although she and her siblings endured prolonged separations from her father due to the demands of his work as a public defender, their suffering was ameliorated by his actions and attitude. She said, "I always knew he was thinking of us, no matter where he was. He would make sure to call us from the office or when away on trips. He even sent cassette tapes sometimes telling us about what he was doing and seeing, and he'd sing us a bedtime or birthday song. We knew he was thinking of us and missed us, that he was concerned about us all the time, so we didn't feel deprived." The basic relationship of heart was intact even if the father's responsibilities took him away from home.

The Parent as Hero

Only a dad with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Bringing home little of gold or fame
To show how well he has played the game;
But glad in his heart that his own rejoice
To see him come and to hear his voice…

Only a dad, but he gives his all
To smooth the way for his children small,
Doing with courage stern and grim
The deeds that his father did for him.
This is the line that for him I pen:
Only a dad, but the best of men.

From "Only a Dad" by Edward Guest

Character-Building Responsibilities
Another aspect of parenting is educating children to shoulder responsibility, with the objective of raising them to be productive and sacrificial adults themselves. This requires the judicious use of chores and a little adversity.

Household Chores
Chores and household duties help produce resilient children who will grow up to be responsible, self-respecting adults. A loving and wise parent requires that the child reciprocate for all the parents do for him or her. When parents ask children to contribute their fair share to the family, it inculcates the values of reciprocity and responsibility.
One Harvard study that followed the lives of almost 500 boys well into middle age showed that the children who did chores turned out to be healthier, happier, more productive and more satisfied in personal relationships than those who had no home or yard responsibilities in their younger years. Even very small children can do simple chores like placing the napkins on the table or corralling stray shoes into a neat line. Older children can take on more ambitious responsibilities.
Assigning children chores is perfect for the family in which both parents work, since the parents do not have time to do all the household tasks. When children pitch in, the parents have more time to spend with the children as they work together, engage in meaningful conversation, and share experiences and views. Boys and girls working side by side with their fathers and mothers absorb practical skills, feel a sense of companionship and worth, and inherit the traditions of generations before them. Thus the value of chores is not only measured in work done, but in the way they build bonds and character.

Codifying and writing down the chores for display multiples the chances of children fulfilling them. Parents can note when they are done with a check mark or sticker, and reward the children periodically. Jarmo and Anita, parents of three in the Appalachian mountains region, got their children interested in chores by assigning them "pet points" for each chore done with a cheerful attitude. The children had been begging to have a dog, and the parents held a family meeting to discuss the possibility with them. They outlined all the responsibilities involved in caring for a pet and declared firmly that neither parent would have time to fulfill them. If the children wanted a dog, they would have to take care of it, and prove beforehand that they would take this responsibility seriously. Therefore, they would have to earn 500 "pet points" each by performing regular chores, at a point each, for some time. The promise of a dog provided the youngsters with the incentive to learn self-discipline and perseverance, and the couple hoped the habit of responsibility would be engrained enough, as the points accumulated on the chart, that they would be ready to care for a pet.

The Uses of Adversity
Psychologist John Rosemond recommends that parents give children all of what they need, but a small-very small-amount of what they merely want. Giving a frugal allowance, limiting TV and video game hours, limiting treats and entertainments, and enforcing rules and responsibilities in the end benefit a child enormously. "Sweet are the uses of adversity," said Shakespeare. Indeed, the child who faces no challenges, who has every path cleared, who always wins and never loses and always gets his or her way, is unprepared for life as an adult.

This type of education is particularly necessary in developed societies where many hardships of the past no longer exist. In prior times, life was so difficult for adults and children alike that children had to form good character traits or suffer massive defeat in life. They had to work hard, they had to help out; often they were key to the family's income. They had to "make do and do without"-an exercise in creativity that produced the special joy that comes from self-reliance. A wise grandfather wrote a letter to his grandchildren:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better: I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And… when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. These things I wish for you-tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.

What Price for a Man's Character?
Captains Courageous is the story of a spoiled boy's character being built by adversity. Harvey Cheyne, the son of a very rich man, was spoiled, pettish, weak, unhealthy and disrespectful to his elders. He believed that he could buy his way in or out of any situation. When Harvey was swept off the deck of an ocean liner by a wave, a fishing trawler and her salty crew picked him up. His bribes and entreaties availed him nothing with the sailors. He was expected to obey, conform and help in the rigorous work. In his first encounter with captain Disko Troop, Harvey was punched in the face for his incessant whining and complaining.

Disko and his crew were fair, honest, tough, hard working and well schooled in the difficult codes of the sea. At their none-too-gentle hands, Harvey received the education of his life: "I worked like a horse and I ate like a hog and I slept like a dead man," he said. He learned sacrifice, gratitude and obedience; he learned of the fellowship of shared dangers and hard work. At the end of the novel, he spoke of how much he owed the captain, who in essence made him into a man of character.
For all of his millions, Harvey's father could not repay Disko for what he had done. What price can be paid for a man's character? It can only be bought with love that dares to demand that a young person earn respect by showing respect and by stretching himself to the limits to be useful to the people around him.

Parenting is among the most demanding tasks on earth. To accept the children as they are and yet challenge them to be better, to set rules and give responsibility yet show compassion when they are in difficulty, to give continuously and yet create opportunities for the children to give in return-these are not easy to balance. Ultimately it is the parents' heart of sacrificial investment and love that both guides them to maintain the right balance-and which wins their children's natural respect for their parents' legitimate authority.